


INSIPID, SACCHARINE VICARIOUS GODDAMN DELIGHT

by amaranthmantis



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Agender Character, Agender Gamzee Makara, Alien Gender/Sexuality, Alternate Universe - No Sburb/Sgrub Sessions, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, F/F, Flushed Romance | Matesprits, Gender Dysphoria, Gender Issues, Genderfluid Character, Genderfluid Karkat Vantas, Multi, Non-Monogamy, Other, Pale Romance | Moirallegiance, Pale-Red Vacillation, Past Abuse, Trans Female Character, Trans Female Jade Harley, Xeno, Xenolinguistics
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-08-28
Updated: 2015-08-28
Packaged: 2018-04-17 16:27:13
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,381
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4673552
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/amaranthmantis/pseuds/amaranthmantis
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which Jade, Karkat, Gamzee and Feferi deal with complicated lives, fall into various flavors of quadrant-crossing emotionally messy love with each other, several minor noteworthy characters make key appearances to flesh out the plot and the setting, people process their various emotional problems at one another with questionable grace, one protagonist quits school for the foreseeable future, one gets a less shitty job, one escapes an abusive environment, and one learns to relate to others as emotional peers. Features several moves of house, a not inconsiderable amount of worldbuilding, several instances of characters whose relationship to their gender is appreciably different from canon with pronouns to suit, non-canonical troll blood colors, at least one discussion of xenolinguistics, very little in the way of direct conflict, a great deal of emotional turmoil, attempted mood and setting evocation through sensory details, several subtle injokes referring to the process of conceiving and writing this fic, and one tired gag in which the contents of the fic are described in the form of an Alternian movie title.</p>
            </blockquote>





	INSIPID, SACCHARINE VICARIOUS GODDAMN DELIGHT

Kanaya's rarely home anymore, and when she is, her door is always closed. You wonder which it is today.

You grumble a little as you get home -- a cozy little apartment in Shoreline, tucked away in a stand of fir trees. Long day at a shitty job, and even though you know it could be worse, somehow you can't not complain about it. Your back and legs are unspeakably sore from standing all day long. You just spent ten hours being acutely aware of the fact that your coworkers don't think much of you, and worst of all, tonight you are home late because somebody snuck in two minutes before closing and asked to start a "five minute" print job that ran for the next half hour.

The apartment feels yawningly empty when you open the door and find it dark. You grump as you fumble for the light switch. It's not unreasonable to want company. Company that doesn't ask intrusive questions, or stare at you quizzically. Or just lord it over you for being on the wrong side of a retail counter, expecting to have their asses licked like goddamn royalty. 

You hate coming home to a dark apartment, because it means things are going to be lonely whether or not someone's home. Only Kanaya knows you still sleep with a nightlight in your room, and has sworn not to tell a soul, but she usually leaves them on even if she goes out so that you feel more okay. One perk of having grown up together with your roommate: you know about each other's little needs and preferences. Lights off means someone has been in their own bedroom all day, and thus forgotten that basic courtesy. 

You drop your bag on the couch and pad quietly into the hallway. Sure enough, there's blue flickering light under Kanaya's door and the sound of animated conversation from within. Fucking figures.

Not that you're bitter. No, really. Sure, maybe you're a bit put out. But being put out because you miss your best friend is *clearly* different from genuine resentment. That would be shitty, even by your standards. So you force yourself to smile when you see her in passing, and you try not to be too obvious about anything.

Really, good for her! She's dating the Rose human now, and if that makes her happy, well then *great*. It's been three weeks and they're already spending every conceivable spare moment in each other's presence, and it's pretty clear that Kanaya is happy. You honestly wouldn't ever want to get in the way of that. As for Rose... you barely know her, even though you two have so many friends in common. Jade and Dave seem to like her, so you figure she must be alright, but the two of you have almost no common ground. Apart from how much Kanaya Maryam means to both of you, anyway. (Humans who see you interact with Kanaya at length would refer to her as your "sister", in a willful act of projecting their social structures into places they don't belong -- meanwhile elder trolls, with their old-fashioned take on Alternian norms, pretty invariably parse you two as moirails.)

You are NOT jealous. No way. You'd just like to see your closest friend again once in a while.

You stretch out on the couch, take out your laptop and decide to just hang out in the living room a while -- even if it DOES make you come across as a passive-aggressive loser who's totally desperate for attention. Oh, hey, fancy meeting you here in our mutual abode, what no I just HAPPENED to be in the common area at 11:45 on a Tuesday night, but how are you?

It's not like you don't *have* other friends, they're just all too busy or far away for in-person time lately. Some part of you realizes that it's petty to brood about it as much as you already do. Anyway you've been talking to one of them a lot lately, though she's been kind of quiet the last few days. Luck is with you tonight: her status icon glows bright green, and sure enough, it only takes a moment before she pings you. 

***gardenGnostic [GG] began pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG]

GG: hey karkat!!!!  
CG: WELL, SHIT -- DO MY EYES DECEIVE, OR HAVE YOU FINALLY ESCAPED FROM THE TORMENT-FILLED DEPTHS OF THE SCIENCE MINES, SLIPPED PAST THE FACULTY, AND AT LONG LAST EMERGED, BLINKING AND COVERED IN LABORATORY DUST, INTO THE DAYLIGHT?  
GG: i have fought off hordes of undergrads and shrieking peer reviewers and the first thing you comment on is the fine coating of laboratory dust???  
GG: SHALLOW!!!!  
GG: anyway it's almost midnight :P  
CG: OH WELL PARDON ME. MY MISTAKE.  
GG: dork :P  
CG: NERD.  
GG: dunkass!!!  
CG: IDIOT.  
GG: nook for brains!!!!!! >:O  
CG: I MISSED YOU TOO. WHAT'S UP?  
GG: well, i was gonna go to get a poster printed tomorrow for the research symposium  
GG: i'll be at your work so maybe we can get lunch together!  
GG: assuming they even give you BREAKS at that shitty job of yours :P  
GG: it's been way too long since we saw each other  
CG: WAIT A SEC.  
CG: THERE'S LIKE, A WEEK TURNAROUND FOR POSTERS. YOU CAN'T JUST WALK IN AND GET THEM DONE ON THE SPOT.  
GG: give me a LITTLE credit karkat :p in case you haven't noticed?? i'm not a clueless freshman anymore  
GG: in fact i've been doing this longer than you've even had that job!!!  
GG: I already sent the file in a week ago :P this is a scheduled pickup!!  
CG: SHIT, SORRY. IT'S LIKE A REFLEX AT THIS POINT, YOU SHOULD SEE SOME OF THE PEOPLE I HAVE TO DEAL WITH.  
CG: "WHAT DO YOU MEAN I CAN'T GET YOU TO DESIGN AN ELABORATE FRESCO THAT SHALL FUNCTION AS SIGN FOR MY BUSINESS IN PHOTOSHOP AND THEN PRINT IT ON VINYL, CUT IT OUT WITH MICROMETER PRECISION AND LAMINATE THE WHOLE THING, ALL FOR FIVE DOLLARS WHILE I WAIT?"  
CG: "THIS IS AN OUTRAGE AND I WANT TO SPEAK WITH YOUR MANAGER AT ONCE!"  
GG: yeah yeah fuck customers :\ you can tell me all about it tomorrow alright??  
GG: over lunch??  
GG: HINT HINT KARKAT ;-P  
CG: I CAN IN FACT TAKE A HINT, PROVIDED IT'S DELIVERED WITH A SLEDGEHAMMER. IT'S JUST BEEN A LONG DAY, SORRY.  
CG: MY BREAK STARTS AT 1:30 AND LASTS A HALF HOUR. TERIYAKI OR PIZZA, YOUR CHOICE.  
GG: only a half hour?? geez :|  
GG: i guess that does narrow it down  
GG: teriyaki it is  
GG: but yes!!!  
GG: i'll see you tomorrow  
GG: i have to get some sleep now though so it's bedtime for me  
GG: but i'm really glad we ran into each other!

Damn, already? Well, it IS about midnight, and she's the responsible type. Scary responsible. Actually, you have no idea how she even manages.

You bid Jade goodnight and spend a half hour just kind of farting around on the internet doing nothing in particular. You're just thinking about getting some sleep yourself, when somewhere down the hall, a door opens. Kanaya steps into the living room. 

"Hello, Karkat." SOMEBODY looks radiant.  
"Well, fancy meeting you here," you reply. Shit, it sounds snarkier than you meant for it to. 

"I *have* been rather indisposed lately, haven't I," equally snarky and apologetic. You already feel like a jerk for letting it out so blatantly. "Yeah, well... hey, you've had a lot going on," you say, sheepish. You force a smile. "How are you doing?"

"For the sake of household peace and our ongoing friendship, I will answer in vague terms and simply say: I'm doing well." She grins. "Oh... I spoke with Terezi today."

"Oh, fantastic. How was that," you say dryly.

"Oh, chiefly focused on matters pertaining to the both of you, and about the unconscionable silence that has passed between two people who used to be very, very good friends." 

You roll your eyes. "Ok, I'll bite: what the hell does she even want?" You and Terezi had one hell of a breakup, and Kanaya's the main reason it didn't end on worse terms. Still, you've hardly gone out of your way to speak to each other in the aftermath. 

"I asked her to do some research while she was at work." She says the word "research" like it's a euphemism. "Research of interest to you. About the standard procedures for getting your ID changed." 

HOLY SHIT. It's not like Terezi doesn't KNOW about that -- everyone in your old friends groups is aware you're doing the whole Be A Girl thing these days -- but still. You'd been kind of sitting on this forever because you work full time on weekdays, and right now you can't get down to the department of licensing. Kanaya just saved you a couple hours, even if she didn't bother ASKING if it was ok to talk to your ex about the whole gender change thing.

"I... ok, yeah it's not a big deal or anything but..." You wince.

"But?"

"But... thanks, I guess." Your eyes narrow. "What did she say?"

"She said that she was, and I quote, "disgustingly busy," but the procedure isn't terribly complex. She can easily spare you a trip to the Department of Licensing, and take care of all the filing costs, if you can just sign a few forms for her. She wants to meet you for lunch tomorrow. It's an awfully nice gesture of her to make, don't you think? It's almost as if she would like for both of you to inhume the tree-felling device together."

"Ha! Of COURSE she's free tomorrow at lunchtime." You cross your arms and fume.

Kanaya raises an eyebrow. "Is that a problem?"

"YES, it's a fucking probl... no. No. Nevermind, forget it, it's a stupid schedule conflict, that's all." You don't feel like explaining this. Kanaya is much better at solving problems than soothing hurt feelings, and if you vent it'll just turn into a big ugly tantrum about how lonely you've been lately, about which she will be genuinely concerned but also unable to really help. You summon up your reserves and keep your rant to yourself. 

"Look, thanks. You've done me a huge favor, really. Tell Terezi I'll meet her at Pagliacci's tomorrow. 1:30." You pause. "I'll even try to be nice, ok? I'd rather be friends too, I'll try not to fuck it up miserably."

You'll just have to tell Jade you're sorry and make it up to her later. Somehow. With both of your schedules, "later" might be sometime next year, but... this is something you've been putting off for a really long time now, it's caused problems at work, and with business being the way it is who knows when you'll get around to it on your own? Terezi's even busier than both of you, so she's really doing you a massive favor here, especially after the mess you made of things.

\--

In the morning, you wake late. Instead of hurrying to work, you pause to fire off a message to Jade.

***carcinoGeneticist [CG] began pestering gardenGnostic[GG]

CG: HEY. THERE'S NO REALLY GOOD WAY TO SAY THIS, BUT THERE'S SOMETHING REALLY IMPORTANT I HAVE TO TAKE CARE OF TOMORROW. I CAN'T MEET YOU FOR LUNCH.  
CG: I'M REALLY SORRY. IT'S *COMPLETELY* MY FAULT FOR FORGETTING AT THE LAST MINUTE.  
GG: awwww!! D: well if you're cancelling then it must REALLY be a big deal so  
GG: good luck with your business!!!!  
CG: YEAH, THANKS. I REALLY WISH I DIDN'T HAVE TO.  
CG: LISTEN: DO YOU HAVE ANY TIME NEXT WEEK?  
GG: hmmm  
GG: not really... 8(  
GG: actually next week is extra bad  
GG: i'm going to be presenting at the symposium  
GG: also we get our results back from the gamma ray telescope on monday  
GG: so i'm going to be real busy for the foreseeable future /:  
GG: but hey!! we'll keep in touch  
GG: maybe we'll run into each other when i pick up my poster anyway  
GG: you can always talk to me on here while I'm in the lab  
GG: and who knows?? maybe something will open up soon!!!  
GG: we can talk tonight if you want  
CG: YEAH, LET'S DO THAT. SORRY AGAIN.  
GG: i miss you too karkat :p  
GG: but if you apologize for this one more time i'm going to have to rescind your apology privileges!!!!  
CG: HAHA! WHEE. I'VE GOTTA GET TO WORK. TAKE CARE JADE.  
GG: you too!!!

Late to leave, as usual. Fortunately the drive to work is without incident. You clock in just *barely* on time, grudgingly don your horrible uniform in the employee lounge. You swear for a solid minute upon discovering that you left the full-length apron at home in your rush. The ratio of "sirs" to "ma'ams" seems to shift favorably when you wear that, and even Kanaya thought it did something nice for your hips. ("Seeing you like this is almost enough to dull the pain brought on by that dismal color scheme.") Why don't they ever have spares around?

The first half of your shift drags interminably. The self-service section is dead, and even though you're not really supposed to leave the register, it's so dead the production coordinator drafts you to help out with folding a big order of pamphlets. Things get lively when a customer wants to ship some kind of biological sample in a package full of dry ice, and you have to tell her that's expressly not allowed by the rules (only a couple locations are rated for that and this isn't one, but naturally nobody ever reads the shipping instructions, they just print off the label and go to the nearest dropoff, like a bunch of JERKS). First she tries to argue with you, and when that doesn't get her anywhere she insults and berates you. She demands to see the assistant manager and then the manager, before storming off in a huff.) You're apparently out back helping the delivery guy unload when Jade arrives to pick up her posters, which is just fucking incredible timing. 

You can't clock out for lunch fast enough. There's already a text message on your phone.

"4LR34DY ORD3R3D. HURRY UP B3FOR3 I 34T 1T 4LL!"

\---

It's been about two years since you last saw Terezi, and for all she plays up being a serious paralegal now, you wouldn't know it to look at her. Her hoodie is a shade of yellow that you're fairly sure does not occur in nature, and it combines with the manner in which she demolishes the huge slice of pizza to produce an effect that is frankly jarring: a lemon chiffon shark, blessed with the dietary preferences and table manners of a starving frat boy. The place is jam-packed with humans at this hour, and between being the only trolls and Terezi's fashion sense, the two of you stand out. Not that the attention really phases you. There are STILL only about a thousand trolls worldwide, and you're all quite accustomed to stares and whispers by the time you reach adulthood. But it means little concessions like having to speak English; humans tend to think a polite conversation in Alternian sounds like two large and angry cats fighting to the death underwater, and it draws even more attention onto you -- often the kind that insists you leave the premises.

"Can you BELIEVE this place?" Terezi cackles. "Nothing safe for us by the slice! I had to buy a whole pie!" She gestures at the pizza in front of her. "Have at. My treat." She's really going to a lot of effort. You inspect the food. Olive and mushroom with alfredo sauce -- your favorite. Pizza is dicey, but it's all you have time for right now. Actually, food in general is dicey -- like a lot of trolls, you're both sensitive to chili pepper, and you can't tolerate tomatoes either. Chocolate, mint and caffeine are pretty iffy as well. Blame your ancestors, for having the questionable luck to settle on the one planet where the animal life is all ludicrously soft, but half the food plants are loaded with weird alkaloids.

She pauses the assault on her lunch, handing over the paperwork and a pen. "Sign and initial anyplace I've underlined, and we're good to go." You mutter thanks, for the help and for ordering ahead, then go over it. Not much to it, really. You kind of wonder why it took you so long to do this in the first place.

"Hey, you're quiet today," Terezi remarks, around a mouthful of her second slice. "Is it really that hard to try and pretend to be happy to see me?"

You grit your teeth. "No. Fuck. Look, this just really isn't how I pictured this going. What do I even say here? I mean, apart from "thanks", obviously. You're doing me a major solid here, seriously. I don't really know how to make it up to you."

"You could START by telling me how you've been, dummy." She's only needling you a little, though -- considering the way things went the last time you two saw each other that's just as well. "Or, perish the thought, asking me the same question? You know, basic social graces like that."

"I? Have been mildly to moderately shitty, thank you for asking."

"Tell me something I don't know," she snarks.

"There's not much to even tell. Not unless you like hearing about spent toner cartridges, outstandingly obnoxious humans, and the ongoing rollercoaster of failure and misfortune that characterizes my basic existence and has since I wriggled free from my pupal exoskeleton."

"Sounds like one heck of a mood. Maybe instead of being cagey and insecure you could assume I am willing to deal with some amount of that from you!"

"Okay, hell, since you care so much here it is. You really wanna know? Life sucks. Work sucks. I am perpetually two more years away from finishing a Bachelor's degree, not that it even fucking *matters* or anything, because I suck at being a student! Everyone I know these days is either busy or far away, or both. I haven't spoken to John or Dave in over a year -- not that I even know what to say to them anymore, they got kind of weird after the whole, y'know, Karkat's A Girl Now thing. I'd say I can't blame them, but... I CAN blame them! I do blame them! They never made this weird for Jade, and I bet it was just PEACHY for Rose too." Terezi's gaze hardens a little at that, but you've got momentum now. "Oh, speaking of whom! She and Kanaya are a disgustingly cute couple now, did you know?"

"I had an inkling," says Terezi, giving you a cryptic smirk.

"Pretty sure one of these days I'll come home to a Uhaul in the parking lot and POOF! There goes the best friend I have left, and pretty much the only one I see in person these days. And... don't take this the wrong way, but I had to cancel on Jade to meet you. She's as busy as you are." You stare at your plate. "I was *really* looking forward to it. So forgive me if I'm a little spikey. It... really isn't personal."

Terezi frowns slightly. "Oh yeah? What's up with you two?"

"What do you mean, what's up with us? We're friends is what's up. Good friends. Good friends who have not seen each other since moving to the same city. I'm working second shift, and she's caught up in PhD hell. She FINALLY had a little breathing room and... she wanted to go to teriyaki with me today." You sulk a little. "So of course that's the one time you're free, and I pretty much *have* to choose you, because you're helping me with this." You glance away, mortified. "I still really appreciate this a lot. It's way more than I deserve, after --"

She coughs, politely. *Drop the subject, Karkat.* 

"--anyway, yeah. Let's talk about something other than my stupid personal drama? How are you? Really."

Toothy grin. "Just four words: I. Passed. The. Bar." 

"Ok, but... holy shit, that's great!" She was already preparing when the two of you broke up. "Seriously, congratulations. I'm sure everyone's very proud of you. What happens now?"

"I am afraid that I cannot reveal my devious plans at the present time." She's got a grin like a sawmill. "Suffice to say that the state government will not see me coming -- until it is far, *far* too late."

You roll your eyes at her theatrics. "Yeah, I'm sure you'll make district attorney inside a year. Assuming that's even possible. Really though, I'm just surprised that the Council hasn't made you an offer you can't refuse. You must be, what, the first troll lawyer in the country?" 

"Second, actually," she says. "They weren't as pushy as you think about hiring me on! I think they're really committed to the whole notion of letting us sink or swim in human society, as equals. Frankly, the Elders do a pretty good job looking after legal matters on our behalf. I'm not sure their plans even involve assembling an army of lawyers." She's putting it mildly -- the Crash generation played every human diplomatic and government apparatus they encountered so thoroughly it wasn't even funny. "Besides, I have bigger prey in mind."

You hand over the papers to Terezi. "Yeah, I bet your reign of terror will be long and glorious."

The two of you chat for a bit, exchanging gossip on which of your friends you've heard more from recently than the other. It's... weirdly civil, casual even. You almost feel like this being friends again thing is going to work out. You know, if you can stop putting her on a goddamn pedestal and blaming yourself for everything that went wrong. 

Sadly, the moment is ruined by the realities of a 30-minute lunch break.

"Thanks again, and seriously congrats on the whole being a lawyer deal." You pause. "It's actually nice to see you --"

"Likewise." 

"-- but I've got to get back to work." 

Terezi points out that you've barely eaten anything, and makes you wait a couple extra minutes while she flags down a waiter, waving her cane in the air and shouting imperiously. A stressed-looking woman shows up, gritting her teeth, and Terezi's demeanor switches to pure sweetness as she gets them to box half the pizza for you. 

As you fastwalk the couple of blocks back to the copy shop, your phone vibrates in your pocket. You sneak around to the rear entrance (regular customers know you on sight, since you're the only troll working there, and will often simply accost you and get upset if you try to clock in, even when you're clearly out of uniform). You get changed in a hurry again, tossing your pizza box in the fridge. You'll have to eat after work. Just as you're finishing changing, you sneak a glance at your phone, and nearly choke when you see the message from Terezi.

"4SK H3R OUT 4LR34DY, DOOFUS."

\---

It's not actually a secret that you've had a crush of one kind or another on Jade Harley, since basically forever -- even if she didn't parse it that way when you first met. Humans insist they don't have that quadrant. ("Foul-tasting lies", as Terezi once put it -- you've seen Les Miserables.) But really, the caliginous feelings had no staying power here, and somehow you two went from at each other's throats to really good friends in a matter of days. No, this is redder and weirder than that. You're actually still not sure if it's flushed or pale, honestly. You almost confessed it to her once, but at the worst possible time -- and the next time you saw her, she was dating Dave. They broke up about the same time you and Terezi did.

You and Jade have been weirdly close for a real long time, even though everything happens through an IM connection. You sort of even each other out, in a weird way -- seeing through one another's defenses, but you like each other enough to be gentle with what you find there. She's the first person you told when you started feeling out all this weird gender stuff, because she's been through something like it herself. (You're not sure if it works the exact same way with humans, but then again, you're not really sure how it works in your case either, you just knew that the one thing was pretty goddamn unbearable.)

You only met the once -- before either of you had moved up to Seattle, during a graduation party you organized for all your friends.

Jade and Feferi conspired to get her guardian's permission to use the Whidbey Island house. You took care of the invitations. Most of your friends -- human OR troll -- seemed to have designs on smuggled alcohol and staying up until 4am. For all you did to organize the thing, you're not really a party person, and Jade evidently only had so much dancing and large groups in her system. The first night, you two met each other on the front porch, declared it the Introvert's Corner, then snuck off together to the moonlit beach. It was the first time you'd ever met, and yet you weren't exactly strangers either -- you'd been talking for years by that point. When it got too cold to keep walking, you huddled together in the chilly darkness, watching the moonlight ripple on the sea, and listened to her talk about the stars. She pointed out the constellations, though you pretty much had to take her word about the supposed pictures in the sky. You could *kind* of see what she meant when she got to Draco. You talked about language too -- you were both raised in immersion programs, Puyallup in her case and Alternian in yours. You wanted to be a linguist back then (what a fucking joke), and you taught each other some words and phrases before the night wind really picked up and you fled to the shelter of the house. 

It's not like you haven't thought about asking Jade out before. It's just, what would be the point? She's got no time for it, neither do you really -- and besides, you're not really sure she feels that way? And what if it's pale on your part? Humans affect not to have that quadrant either, so it would just be weird. 

Anyway, right now the connection you do have with Jade is keeping you sane. Well, in relative terms. Terezi means well, but you're the one who has to live with the consequences. Risking the friendship with someone you're attracted to is what led to the whole unmitigated clusterfuck that was your and Terezi's absolute goddamn disaster of a relationship. Lesson fucking learned, right? 

\---

Second half of your shift gets eventful. The old lady who does weird conceptual art with photocopier settings and photographs of light on water wants your help. (You actually think her art's sort of neat, but she insists on having you operate the copier for her when you're supposed to be running the register, and she refuses to pay for any sheets she doesn't like.) Some young, cocky douchecanoe wants you to laminate a concert ticket (for a show that hasn't happened yet, you note). You try explaining to him that it's printed on thermal paper, and you can't put that through the laminator because it'll damage the ticket. Listening isn't really his thing; after insisting repeatedly, you finally offer to let him do it himself, hand over the supplies and direct him to the self-service laminator. All the while you make sure to keep up the refrain "I cannot advise you do this as it may damage your originals", while he keeps shakes his head and mutters about the disrespect you're showing him. You're actually sort of pleased when he pulls a black, ruined and immaculately laminated ticket from the machine, and for just a moment there's this completely GONE look on his face as he processes what transpired.

Naturally, he starts yelling about how you should've warned him that this would happen.

You drop your till and clock out, and swear a little too loudly when you get to the employee lounge and discover someone has eaten all of your leftover pizza. Of *course*. They even left the box, just to mock you! You try not to grumble too loudly, but your AM hears anyway and comes to find out what the commotion is about. "It wasn't marked," he says, looking defensive. *Great.* You know you should just keep quiet for the sake of your job, but you can't help but sieze on the opening. "Yeah, well, it wasn't yours, either." You just leave and mutter "Bye" when he starts to object that he only had *one slice...* 

Whatever. It's your weekend. You're beyond caring at this point.

You get home to the little apartment in Shoreline, feeling pretty faint from hunger. Opening the door, you startle: the lights are actually on! Kanaya and Rose sit on the living room couch, Rose draped across Kanaya's lap, the two of them watching TV, spicy-smelling Indian takeout containers strewn across coffee table. (Lucky Kanaya is almost human in her ability to approach food, and can eat basically anything she wants without getting sick or pan-addled or losing control of her breathing). They wave as you enter, and the smell of the food is almost seductive in your current state, even if half of it would leave you violently nauseous and leaking catastrophically at both ends.

"Hey. If you got garlic naan, I'm stealing it," you mumble, by way of greeting, as you sit down just out of Kanaya's reach. "Don't like it, blame my coworkers for stealing my dinner." You pause, realizing just how empty your stomach is. "And lunch."

"Three orders. I will be sure to send them a sternly-worded note, immaculately calligraphed, on the finest stationary we have," says Kanaya. "If you wish to live to deliver such a stinging rebuke, I suggest you leave some for my lunch tomorrow." You're already tearing into the spongy bread. 

"Thanks."

"How was lunch with Terezi?" 

"Fine. Just great," you mumble around a mouthful of naan. "Did you hear she passed the bar?"

"She hasn't exactly been secretive about that," Rose quips. "We talk with her an awful lot."

"Actually, I wanted to speak with you about that very topic," says Kanya. "That is to say, we did."

You turn to face them both, a weary frown settling across your features. "Yeah? What's up?"

They look at each other. Kanaya goes first. 

"We're planning to move in together," she says. "We've been talking to Terezi about splitting a place." 

"Vriska too," adds Rose, to which Kanaya visibly stiffens. You make a mental note to ask her later what Rose means by that and what exactly the HELL Kanaya is thinking, having anything to do with Vriska again. 

Then it sinks in.

"Wait... you're moving out? But..." you try to think. Rent and utilities... well, it'd be doable, on your current income, but you wouldn't have much left over for groceries, and you have no idea where gas money's going to come from on that budget. You don't even want to THINK about living here alone.

"When exactly is this happening?"

"Thirty days. I'll need you to come with me to the rental office tomorrow morning and sign to have me taken off the lease."

She's serious, then. It's not like you didn't see this coming, exactly, but... fuck! Why did it have to be now? Not that there's really a better time for "going from a shit job rooming with your best friend, to a shit job that pays just enough of your living costs to keep you stuck there for the rest of your sorry miserable life", but still.

"I'm sorry, this is just... really sudden." You don't know what to say. "You're really sure about this?" 

"Quite sure," she says, and clasps Rose's hand. You feel a sharp twinge of jealousy (when was the last time anyone touched *you*, let alone like that?) and immediately stamp down on it with a metric fuckton of self-loathing. What a selfish melodramatic pile of trash, can't you just be fucking deliriously happy for your best friend?!

"Well... great. I mean, I hope everything works out for you two."

She smiles awkwardly. "Listen, Karkat, I did run the financial projections before making this decision. You'll be able to get by, though I suggest you find a roommate."

"Yeah," you manage wearily. "Guess I'll have to look into that."

\---

***carcinoGeneticist [CG] began pestering gardenGnostic [GG]

CG: HEY. ARE YOU THERE?  
CG: I JUST GOT SOME BAD NEWS.  
CG: KANAYA'S MOVING OUT AT THE END OF THE MONTH.  
CG: I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT TO THINK, HONESTLY. LIKE... GREAT FOR HER AND ROSE, I GUESS?  
CG: I MEAN IT. I'M NOT MAD AT HER OR ANYTHING. IT'S AWESOME THAT SHE'S HAPPY.  
CG: I'LL EVEN PACK THE MOVING VAN MYSELF IF IT CONVINCES HER THERE'S NO HARD FEELINGS.  
CG: THEY MAKE A DISGUSTINGLY CUTE COUPLE, HONESTLY.  
CG: JADE?  
CG: OK, I GUESS YOU'RE BUSY.  
CG: TALK TO YOU LATER.

Oddly enough, Jade doesn't get back to you for the rest of the night. That's weird. Didn't she say she was going to be around the lab tonight?

Someone else does, though. 

***cuttlefishCuller [CC] began pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG]

CC: )(i Crabcatc)(!  
CG: HOLY CRAP, I HAVEN'T HEARD FROM YOU IN FOREVER.  
CG: EXCUSE ME. THIS IS SUCH A MOMENTOUS OCCASION, I SHOULD REALLY AT LEAST DEIGN TO SHED THE SHRIVELLED, HUSK-LIKE REMNANTS OF WHAT WAS ONCE, PERHAPS, MY DIGNITY.  
CG: DAMMIT THIS ALWAYS HAPPENS, THERE'S A BIT THAT STICKS ON. LET ME JUST... THERE WE GO, *MUCH* BETTER.  
CG: I MEANT "HOLY CARP."  
CC: 38D I sea you're still a big douc)(ey crab just like I remembered.  
CC: It )(AS been a long time, )(asn't it?  
CC: )(ow )(ave you B-E-EN?  
CG: MY JOB HAS LEFT ME A WHITHERED EXOSKELETON OF MY FORMER SELF, AND MY ROOMMATE "SLASH" BEST FUCKING FRIEND OF ALL TIME IS MOVING OUT INSIDE A MONTH. APART FROM THOSE DETAILS, THINGS ARE REASONABLY EXCRUCIATING, AS EVER.  
CG: AND YES I AM LITERALLY MAKING ENCLOSURE TALONS WITH MY HANDS WHEN I TYPE IT LIKE THAT. JUST IN CASE YOU WERE WONDERING.  
CG: WHAT ABOUT YOU?  
CC: O)(, you know. T)(ings are alrig)(t. I )(ad to spend some time in t)(e )(ospital again. 38( I've been out of touc)( wit)( everybody, I'm afraid. Mom has kept me busy.  
CC: You remember t)(e )(ouse on W)(idby Island?  
CC: I'm staying t)(ere for t)(e time being.  
CC: But I )(aven't spoken to anyone from our old group in about a year! I MISS-ED YOU GUYS!  
CG: THAT SUCKS. ):B  
CG: I MEAN NOT THE HOUSE PART. POOR YOU, STUCK OUT THERE IN THE LAP OF FUCKING LUXURY WITH ABSOLUTELY GODDAMN SCENIC SURROUNDINGS, I'M SURE YOU STOICALLY BEAR THIS BURDEN SOMEHOW.  
CG: BUT THE WHOLE HOSPITAL THING.  
CG: ARE YOU DOING ALRIGHT?  
CC: I'm FIN-E, you big worrier.  
CC: Just lonely!  
CC: It's been so long since we talked. W)(ere are you working t)(ese days?  
CG: HELL. ALSO KNOWN AS "A COPY SHOP IN THE U DISTRICT."  
CG: AND LIVING WITH KANAYA FOR ABOUT ANOTHER MONTH, IN SHORELINE. YOU SHOULD TRY GETTING IN TOUCH WITH HER.  
CG: SHE'LL BE EXCITED TO HEAR FROM YOU, ONCE SHE CHISELS HER LIPS AND TEETH FREE FROM THE SPOT-WELD TO ROSE'S FACE.  
CC: Glub glub glub! Listen to you, Carpcatc)(!  
CC: You are so BITT-ER, it's adorable.  
CG: FUCK YOU, I AM THE VERY PICTURE OF INSIPID, SACCHARINE, VICARIOUS GODDAMN DELIGHT.  
CG: WHEN I PAUSE TO THINK ABOUT ROSE AND KANAYA'S MUTUAL JOY AT HAVING ELECTED TO SHARE A PORTION OF THEIR LIVES WITH ONE ANOTHER, MY EYES BEGIN TO TWINKLE AND EVERYTHING GOES BLURRY, AS THOUGH SOMEONE HAS SMEARED VASELINE OVER THE LENS. MY FEATURES ARE SLOWLY BECALMED AS A WIDE GRIN SPLITS MY FEEBLE HEAD IN TWAIN. IN THE DISTANCE, ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYS.  
CG: A RAIN OF FLOWER PETALS DESCENDS FROM NOWHERE, AS THE CAMERA MERCIFULLY CUTS FROM MY SLACK-JAWED FACE TO THE TWO OF THEM DANCING ATOP A WEDDING CAKE MADE OF RAINBOWS AND POOFY PINK CLOUDS.  
CG: RABBITS AND PONIES GATHER EN MASSE TO JOIN IN THE CELEBRATION AND PUKE GLITTER ALL OVER EVERYTHING. THE CAMERA CUTS BACK TO ME, REVEALING THAT THE GLOW OF MY CHEEKS HAS BEGUN TO RADIATE, THERMONUCLEAR HOT.  
CG: OVERCOME WITH SHEER EMOTION, I RAPIDLY SUCCUMB TO HEART FAILURE. AN AMBULANCE IS CALLED, AND MY TWITCHING CARCASS RUSHED TO THE NEAREST MEDICAL FACILITY WITH AN EMERGENCY ROOM STAFF THAT KNOWS THE FIRST THING ABOUT MY BIZARRE NON-TERRAN BIOLOGY.  
CG: "IT'S TOO LATE," THE DOCTOR SOLEMNLY DECLARES.  
CG: "I'M AFRAID THIS TROLL DIED OF ACUTE HAPPINESS POISONING."  
CC: Okay now t)(at is QUIT-----E --------ENOUG)( out of you!!!!!! 3XD  
CC: Glub glub glub! you and your your unique brand of silly melodramatic s)(ellnanigans for one conversation!  
CC: O)( MY GOS)( I can't believe w)(at a melodramatic glubbing wiggler you still are  
CC: Actually I t)(ink you're even sillier this way!  
CC: But I will admit to )(aving missed you! Tirades and all.  
CG: YEAH, WELL, IF YOU WANT TO HAVE A STRAIGHT-LACED SENSIBLE CONVERSATION LIKE REASONABLE GODDAMN PEOPLE, I SUPPOSE WE COULD TRY THAT.  
CC: Maybe I do!  
CC: Especially if you're not going to bed anytime soon?

You have to admit, you weren't planning on it. 

The two of you play catchup well into the night. By about 2am, you're running out of steam, and she mentions needing to go take care of something -- though what she could possibly need to take care of at 2am on Whidbey Island, you can't even fathom. It's Feferi, who even knows? You say goodnight, and then pile into bed without even bothering to brush your teeth.

\--


End file.
